Turning Grief Into Action

Guest Post by: Carissa Ricci, Founder of Follow the Spark

Trigger Warning: Death, Suicide, Mental Health 

Why do we treat physical and mental health so differently? When someone breaks a bone, we don’t say,  “buck up, kid…if you just try hard enough, that bone will heal.” It’s long past time to change the  narrative and honor the care we need for our whole selves. 

This year will be seven years since a good friend took his own life. Seven years. Every time I think about  it, I’m immediately transported back to the moment I found out and exactly how it felt to hear those  words. I have lost a lot of people in my life. In tragic ways. In unexpected ways. Whenever it  happened, the grief cycle felt familiar—until that day. This was different. The denial was THICK. I  literally couldn’t wrap my mind around what I was being told. It didn’t compute. This vibrant,  charismatic, brilliant, funny, full-of-life friend…gone. And in a way that was unimaginable to me. My  brain couldn’t comprehend it. 

The next week was spent in the densest mental fog I’ve ever navigated. Coming to terms with the  reality took…well, if I’m being honest, I’m still grappling with it. Grieving someone who leaves life in  this way is an elusive beast. There is no closure. No rationalizing with it. And the relentless questions  like, “What if I had just…?” plagued me as I analyzed every tiny detail of the last encounters I had with  him.  

Shortly after I got the news, someone who was trying to comfort me said, “Life is hard. Some people  just aren’t strong enough to make it.” My heart rate immediately skyrocketed. I was incensed. I knew  that this was coming from a well-meaning place, but in the midst of my deep grief, the anger surfaced.  Sharp and ready. Somehow, I managed to regulate myself enough to make a simple statement about  how when someone makes that decision, it isn’t because they aren’t “strong” enough.  

Needing support with mental health care does not mean someone is weak or lazy. They are not broken  or deficient. They are not selfish. Yet these are some of the very reasons why people often don’t seek  help—because they feel like they will be viewed in these ways. Weak. Lazy. Broken. Deficient. Selfish.  These descriptors are categorically untrue, but words and perceptions hold a lot of weight in our  world. Imagine these words being used to describe you if you broke your leg. Would it feel different to  seek care if you thought that’s how people saw you? If they thought you should just be able to “tough it  out”?  

I want to live in a world where everyone feels empowered to find the care and support they need.  Whether for a sprained ankle or chronic anxiety, we all deserve to feel unashamed to ask for help.  When I think about my friend and other bright souls who left this earth too early, the words, “It didn’t  have to be this way” play over and over in my head. And that breaks my heart even more. They won’t  get to see another sunrise or sunset. They won’t get to spend time with people they care about or make  new memories on trips they would have taken. They won’t get to see the incredible impact they had on  the other humans in their circle. They aren’t getting to experience their futures which were once full of  possibilities.  

We must take action. 

View from the end of a pier in Southern California—thinking about all the things.

I invite you to become an advocate in this space if you aren’t already—let’s do whatever we can to  normalize this topic. For current generations, future generations, and those we’ve already lost to this  battle. Let’s use the fire of their memory to light the way forward. 

Whether you’ve lost someone in this way or not, we can all contribute to spreading the message that it’s  okay to ask for help. In that spirit, a dear friend has kicked off a dream she’s had for awhile now. Please  check out the Phoenix website for some creative ways to remind people that they matter and where to  go for support. If you or anyone you or anyone you know is looking for mental health resources, she has  curated a helpful list here. 

I’ve heard people say, “Check on your strong friends,” but I’d encourage us to do one better. Let’s check  on al of our friends and make sure they know they’re loved and supported. Let’s start having the  uncomfortable conversations and reinforce the message that there is no shame in asking for help. If you  hear someone say things like, “well, I guess they just weren’t strong enough”, let’s be brave and speak up.  It’s long past time to change the narrative…and it starts with each one of us.  

Disclaimer: This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek  the advice of your mental health professional or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have.