Guest Post by Janell Johnson 

Trigger Warning: SA, suicide

My name is Janell and I struggle with codependency, depression, anxiety, love & relationships & emotional over eating.

I wanted to share a bit about my own struggles with mental health. To utter those words is even difficult to say out loud. Maybe because “mental” was a term we used and it determined someone maybe be labeled as crazy. These stigmas need to change. I’m here to be a part of that change.

If you know me personally, you’d know I am a caring & sensitive person. I love big and am soft hearted. This has had its challenges in life. I noticed early on in my elementary years that losing a pet, which was my first walk with grief was not an easy one. I cried a lot and my heart felt like it was broken into a million pieces. More than others did.

I was molested as a child, at 5 years old, 7 and 9. Two of these cases went to court. Neither of them we won. I was viewed as a trouble maker and a liar. One of my abusers was my 2nd grade teacher and he didn’t even lose his job. I was just moved to another classroom.

My parents divorced when in the 3rd grade. I was a daddy’s girl and took it to heart. I was struggling and was to say the very least, extremely hurt. This showed up in my dating life. At a young age I was very drawn to boys. The wrong kind however. Ones who were just like my dad. Handsome, charming, hard working yet unfaithful & deceiving.

In high school, I took break ups far too personal. Just crushed and not able to bounce back like my friends seem to. I realized then I struggled with depression.

I became a single mom at 22. The father of my son was not active in our lives. I felt very alone, hurt and rejected. As did my son, AJ.

I lost my father at age 27. It was then that I was clinically diagnosed depressed. To see it in print and on a bottle was devastating. I was 7 months pregnant with my daughter and mourning the loss of my dad. Not an easy time. I was in the middle of a horrible marriage to top it off.

After 10 long, painful years we were experiencing our own divorce. I had been experiencing symptoms of IBS. As I researched it I found out it came from emotional eating and suppressed emotions and stress. Again leaving not just AJ and feeling rejected and hurt but now my second child, Kaily.

Again depressed and desperately trying to pull it together for my kids’ sake. I then had my third child, as a single mom once again. I was doing it on my own.

I worked hard and provided for my 3 kids. Work became very stressful. I found myself needing the help of anti depressants once again. I struggling with anxiety as well. Trichotillomania is a disorder I discovered I have too.

I have had lots of Christian counseling in the past as well. I did a 12 step for codependency. My faith has kept me together. I have a sense of peace even in my storms.

In 2018 I was hit with hearing of my son’s struggle with addiction. He was spiraling and became very depressed. 
He came back home at age 25 after living away from home for 5 years. He did journal, paint and work out.
That helped him for a time. Unfortunately, after 3 years (that we know of) he took his own life.  

We were staring at it head on as far as how serious mental health is. It truly is a life or death situation. I am now riding out some serious highs and lows. At the age of 48 I was finally diagnosed with ADHD.

It’s explains many of my struggles now. I am trying to help navigate with my daughters through this tough journey as well. I enrolled Ali my 13 year old in counseling for that first year, and playing sports have really helped her. She plays soccer and basketball.

We have 2 years under our belt with the loss of my son. What gets me through? Prayers, hope, focusing on our future. Doing the work. We have done family counseling. We have done individual and group. There is a great ministry called Good Samaritan for free counseling. There is another ministry called Griefshare. That is group therapy. The girls and I are attending a 4 day work shop next week for families in mourning. Abba’s Child at Rockaway Beach. I have also used light therapy, exercise and relied on the help of anti depressants & supplements too.

I’m not claiming to have all the answers but what I would say to someone who is struggling is don’t give up. Find what works for you. Throwing in the towel is not the answer.

I just want to help my girls and others who are trying to figure out this thing called life. If anyone has questions or needs help please reach out. Praying for those who continue to struggle. There is always a light at the end of every dark tunnel. Stay hopeful many love you. Even when you don’t feel it.
Feelings are not reality sometimes. Our mind plays tricks on us. If you are battling please reach out before it’s too late.

Thanks for listening to my story. Take care.