Cultivate your Narrative

*Trigger warning: Suicide*

One of the hardest questions I’ve ever asked myself is “why."

Why, prior to 20, was I free from panic attacks and suicide attempts? Why did psychiatric medication become my norm?

Why had these symptoms changed my life forever?

Needless to say, it’s agonizing to understand I’ll likely never know even though I’ve pursued this question relentlessly. Perhaps, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. 

I’ve spent so many years searching for my “why." I’ve endured unnecessary suffering with the hope this would lead me to my answer. At face value this seemed like a worthy endeavor because whether mental health or physical health, we can always do things to improve.

Along my quest I’ve tried four different psychiatric medications, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), different supplements, meditation, genetic tests, and even an Ayahausca retreat (to name a few). I’ve learned so much about my biology, my personality, and what works well for my symptoms.

And yet, have also pushed myself unreasonably close to the edge more than once. Present during these treatment changes were oppressive bouts of major depression and often, suicidal ideation. After a decade of med changes, diet changes, habit changes, I never got my answer.

My therapist commented about my fixation on “why” and provided me with an alternative. So far, it has carried me forward beyond where “why” ever has. He encouraged me to focus instead on “how”.

How will you manage your symptoms, how will you forgive yourself, and how will you learn to love yourself? “How” has become my word of action and among other things, reminds me of so many wonderful memories my depression tries to hide from me.

Viktor Frankl wrote a incredible first-hand account of surviving Nazi concentration camps. He was a psychiatrist by profession and though a prisoner himself, found hope in spite the suffering around him.

He discovered that a main pillar of his survival (and that of others) was an ability to give meaning to their pain. They didn’t ignore their suffering but rather integrated it into the narrative of their life.

He found that people tolerated difficult conditions better when it was seen in the context of all their experiences as opposed to keeping their hellish situations isolated. In short, they moved forward through insurmountable obstacles by connecting the memories of their pasts to their dreams of tomorrow.

This really resonated with me because so frequently have I allowed my depression to feel like the main theme of my existence.

And yet, it doesn’t need to be entirely absent for me to move my narrative forward.

Yes, I’m still taking medication, but I want to frame this as a footnote not a chapter.

My hope in sharing all this is that we can connect over a common aspect of the human condition, suffering, but also can continue to move beyond grief in our own time. Find the core of what you want your existence to mean and accept your pain with humility. 

You belong, you are loved and the world waits for your story.